The things that make ourselves

In life, we often seek things that we find meaningful. Whether it be the pursuit of wealth, fame, spiritual self or love. We all seek out and try to find things that give us purpose, that fulfill a perceived need within us. We all think we know ourselves. We think we know exactly what we want, and that if we get that, we’ll be happy. The thing is, what we look for isn’t necessarily what will fulfill us. Those who want fame, often find it to be a superficial life  full of regrets and false pleasantries. Those who yearn for love are often more in love with the idea of it than the actual reality of it. Sometimes, you just don’t know what you need until you find it. No amount of goal setting will get you there — you just have to discover it for yourself.

For me, I love food. But I realize there’s so much more to it than the pursuit of great food and amazing recipes. Life isn’t just about finding amazing food, it’s about finding someone to share all the amazing food that you find. Someone who you think of first anytime you discover something. Someone you want to tell first when something amazing happens. Someone who you want to see first when something not so great happens. Someone. I’m not looking for something to fulfill me. I don’t need to. For me, it’s not something, but someone. And I’ve already found her.

I love you ~

Thought of the Day~

She’s always on my mind. It’s strange, because I don’t think I’ve ever been like this. Not with anyone. At least, never to this degree. In every waking hour, I think about her. I wonder how she is, what’s she up to? I want to talk to her. Maybe I’ll text her. I want to see her… maybe I’ll do that. Just being around her makes me happy. She’s always on my mind, and honestly..i wouldn’t have it any other way.

A Life With No Regrets

It’s time for a story. It’s a beautiful story, but it’s sad. So listen up…

There’s this girl I know. We met through a mutual friend of ours, and from the beginning, we hit it off. She’s the most beautiful, intelligent and caring person you’ll ever meet. She’s got that kind of charming quirkiness that I’ve come to love and appreciate. I’ve known her for 8 years now, and she’s my closest friend. My best friend in fact. And I’m in love with her. That’s the problem. For all these years…we’ve never both been single at the same time. The times just didn’t work out. So I was content to remain friends, happy to talk to her when I could, but I always respected the fact that she was taken, and the fact that she was happy where she was. That’s changed. We’re both single now…and now I’m faced with a dilemma. I have strong feelings for her, but I know her. I know she doesn’t feel the same about me. I know that she loves me…but only as a friend. She would tell me how any girl would be lucky to have me, and every time she does..I cringe a little because what she really means is any *other* girl. She means well. I know she does.

Once, I asked her what she was looking for in a boyfriend…and she told me that she was looking for someone who would give her a ring, and mean it. At that very moment, I looked at her, and said nothing. I was just about to tell her… I would. I would give her a ring, and mean it with every fiber of my being. Hell I would give her the world if she asked for it. I would love her, with all my heart. I would hold her, and never let go. I would never see her hurt, in all these years I’ve known her, I would never let her be hurt. Not by me and if I can help it, not by anyone else. The world would be her oyster, and I would do anything just see to see her smile. I wanted to tell her, I wanted to say all this..but I knew I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I care about her too much to ruin our friendship. I know her too well to know that she sees me only as a friend, albeit a very valuable friend. One that she wouldn’t want to risk losing over a relationship. She doesn’t believe that ex’s can remain friends. She doesn’t want me to become that ex. That best friend turned stranger. I know her, and I know she doesn’t want to risk losing this, losing me. I know this, and while it hurts me to say this.. I’m trying my damnedest to respect her wish. Every time I look at her, every time I talk to her, I have to remind myself…she wants you to be there for her, she wants someone to talk to. She wants you to be her best friend..but you can’t be her boyfriend. That’s not what she wants. That’s not what she thinks will make her happy. If you care about her, you won’t ruin this for her.

The thing is…I don’t think I would ever become that ex. If given the chance, I would see her be the happiest girl in the world. I would do anything, and have done everything, just to see her smile. To bring a little joy into her life. To make her…happy. I’ve known her for 8 years, and I care too much about her to ever see her heart broken again. I will always be there for her, no matter what. I promised to her, early on in those first few months when we first started to really talk, that I would always be there for her. I’m a man of principle, and I always keep my word.  I remembered that promise years later when she came to me telling me that her asshat of an ex just dumped her. I dropped everything, and drove to Waterloo to try to cheer her up. I never told her this, but I really don’t like driving. But I remember my promises, and I keep them.

She’s my closest friend, and in so many ways she means the world to me. She makes me happy, and I would do anything to keep her happy. Anything. And if that means denying myself every time I see her, then so be it. But the thing is…will I be living a life with no regrets? In 40 years, will I be one of *those* old men…the ones who wish they’d made their move when they had the chance? The answer is…I honestly don’t know. All I know is…that in 40 years, I just want her to be by my side. As my significant other or as my best friend…either would honestly make me happy. But the question that sits in the back of my mind is…do those two things have to be mutually exclusive? Honestly, I don’t know. And I’m too afraid to find out.

 

By the Light of a Candle

“The Buddhists say if you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your ‘soul mate’ you’ll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation.”

Love is often compared to a flame. When two people click, people often say that there’s a spark between those two, and when they fall in love..they say that their love burns brightly.  The interesting thing is..the brightest burning candles are the ones that burn out the fastest. Those intense feelings you feel when you “fall in love”, how long do they truly last? How often do you face disappointment, time and time again at the end of a really intense relationship? One where when you first met, your heart was pounding, your hands shook and  your knees went weak?

It is said that love can be sudden and intense, but then again, love can also be gentle and kind. It’s the slow but steady burning candles that last the longest. They give off a gentle, but ever present warm glow. And unlike a bright and intense flame, you’ll never get burned in the end.

More Than You Know

Sometimes, we takes things for granted. Its a given, when something or someone has been around for so long, we just kind of expect them to be there all the time. The problem with that is that we don’t really appreciate them until it’s too late and they’re gone.

The thing is, when you’re beside someone for so long they start to get used to your presence and it’s almost as if you’re not there. That’s when they take you for granted, or think they don’t need you anymore when really…you were holding them up the entire time.

My Choice

Each moment in life is yours to take, or yours to make. Life is an ever-flowing and changing thing, and it is often said that your life is defined by the choices you make. While not everyone is dealt the same hand, it is not the hand that we are dealt that makes us who we are, but rather what we do with what we are presented with. When faced with hardship, do you give up or press forward? Accept your fate, or rebel against it? When opportunity presents itself, do you take the risk or make the safe choice? These are the choices we make in life, and even the decision to not make a choice is a choice in itself. It is often said that these choices are what define a person, yet sometimes…there really is no choice at all. If times were hard and you could only pick one, do you feed yourself or feed your family? Do you hang out with your friends, or spend the night comforting a sad friend? Do you risk everything for your own desires, or give everything to see her desires met?  Sometimes, there is no choice at all. Sometimes, the choice is already made for you because this is who you have decided to be. And that, is the choice you’ve made.

A time like no other

Companionship. It’s strange how such a simple thing can have such a profound effect on your life. I had the best dream last night and for the first time in a long time I woke up up with the biggest smile on my face. In my dream, I was hanging out with one of my closest friends. We didn’t really do much — just chill, talk and watch a movie. Now the details of this dream aren’t particularly exciting, but that didn’t change the significance of it or the way it made me feel. To know that you have someone to talk to, to hang out with and who will be there for you, no matter what, it’s a powerful feeling. Powerful enough that even while I’m sleeping, my subconscious will remind me of how lucky I am to have a friend like that. Friends who at times know you better than you know yourself. Who understand you, without you having to explain yourself. It’s friends like that who really make life worth living. I’m grateful to have a friend like that, and while there aren’t many people in my life that I would literally do anything for, she’s definitely one of them.

Fireworks

Fireworks flare, sounds of *fizzle…pop* everywhere. Lights, wondrous and high, they sparkle in the starry night sky.

I sit alone in my room and watch the darkness through my window. Across the horizon, as far as the eye can see, lights, smoke, and the sounds of celebration. Today is a day of joy.

But why do I not feel so? I am weary, I am tired. It wears deep, soul deep. No, I’m not sleepy. No, I’m not mentally exhausted. What I am..is just tired. In a way I cannot describe. For reasons that I don’t even know. The fireworks, they light the night sky. But for some reason, watching them only makes me cry.

Isolation

I’ve never quite noticed how deafening silence could be. My parents are out for the month on vacation and I’ve been home alone for a few days now. No biggie, I’ve been home alone before for weeks at a time. Recently, I’ve become single. No biggie, I’ve been single before and it doesn’t bother me. The thing is though, I also haven’t got much to do. I’m in between times, school ended almost 2 weeks ago for me, and summer classes don’t start for another week. Not enough time to warrant a job (besides some part time work, which I already have), nor would any employer hire me for such a short time.

So…now I’ve got literally nothing to do. I’ve got all this free time..but nothing to do. I’d like to go out… but i can’t as most of my friends are busy or on vacation/out of town. I don’t have a gf anymore to talk to, to keep me busy or to keep me company. So…i spend my days now alone, in this big empty house. I try to keep myself busy with books, games, the gym, TV shows, movies, cooking…heck, i mean there’s only so many times a person can clean their room. But with no one around, nothing to do, and no one to meet…I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone…so isolated. I’ve been going to bed earlier too, because there’s just nothing to do. But that just causes me to wake up earlier. Being awake at 7 in the morning, only to find that you have nothing ahead of you besides more solitude, it gets really discouraging.

I sing to myself sometimes, just to fill the silence. But there’s only so many songs one can go through. I’m normally cheery and happy..and i know this is all just temporary…but its really getting to me. Even when I talk to people, on skype, or text..I just don’t know how to respond anymore. My life, and this house..it feels so empty. The silence….the silence in this house is deafening, and I’m scared of it.

Rose-Tinted Lenses

Absolute love blinds absolutely. There will come a time when you fall in love. Cheesy, I know, but it’ll happen. No matter what happens, no matter what flaws you or she might have, you will know that you’re in love. Because nothing else matters other than the absolute fact that you love this person. You’ll know, trust me. But the thing is, despite the poetic nature of the very concept of love, it isn’t the end all and be all of all matters. Yes, love is a powerful thing, and it draws a man to be more than he ever was, to do things he never thought possible. All just to make the girl he loves…happy. A simple notion, but a powerful one.

But the thing is..love can’t fill the gaps. Love can’t fix every issue, every problem. It is our single most powerful motivating force, one that would drive a parent to fight off a bear to save their child, or a man to run into a burning house to save his wife. But it can’t fix everything. It can’t fill the gaps, make an issue go away, or completely change what one desires. Love is great, love is powerful, and love can change. But it can’t do everything. For a time, it can make the sun seem just a little brighter, and make problems seem to go away. But the thing is, they don’t go away. They’re just forgotten, hidden behind the rose-tinted lenses of one’s own mind. That’s because absolute love blinds absolutely, and whether its for the best…well that’s up to you to decide.